The X Factor: Nicole Digs Deep, Finds Bananas

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It was that time again Wednesday night. Time for another live performance show from the remaining acts on ‘The X Factor.’ This week’s theme? Movie night. Which left me to wonder if anyone would bust out such amazing movie songs as “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” from Selena, “Bop To The Top” from High School Musical, or even “The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound Of Music. I would have also accepted any song from the Spice World soundtrack. Sadly, none of these dream songs came true. But imagine the staging for “The Lonely Goatherd.” Yeah. Think about it. It would best be described with one word: EPIC.

Before the performances even got going, Nicole Scherzinger warned us that her contestants were going to “bring it.” I also questioned why I will never look as good in a suit as Steve Jones (I can’t afford designer suits and a good tailor, and I am not a former model), and the judges walked out to the Star Wars theme. All that was missing was an Ewok. Then we found out that the contestants were treated to a movie premiere this week. The movie choice? Adam Sandler’s new movie, Jack & Jill. Really, ‘X Factor?’ You couldn’t spring for a good movie premiere? Jane Seymour was on the red carpet. I imagine she tried to sell all the contestants her Open Hearts Jewelry Collection, which I can paint a picture of just like Jane does in the commercials for it. “Because with my Open Hearts Jewelry Collection,” blah, blah, blah. I don’t know what Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman had to do with ‘The X Factor,’ but I guess some questions are better left unanswered. So many questions for the first ten minutes of the show! Also, I am pretty sure Steve said, “Glamorous!” like he was trying out to be a contestant on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race.’ Just an observation. After all that, it was time to get the performances rolling.

First up? Stacy Francis. Stacy’s song came from The Bodyguard, and mentor Nicole wanted it to be a “big diva number.” This diva number included dancing, which concerned Stacy. It would have concerned me, too, because a big diva number requires big diva heels, and that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN for me. So, I felt Stacy’s pain. Now, when I think about songs from The Bodyguard, the one Stacy sang isn’t the first to come to mind. It’s not even the second. In fact, I forgot the song was even from the movie. The song I am talking about is “Queen Of The Night,” which LA Reid co-wrote. LA even said he didn’t like the song. Oh, boy. Anyway, Stacy came out on the stage and was looking fantastic in her red dress. It was made for a pure diva moment. I thought it was a really good performance overall. The dancing was all right and her voice was spot on most of the time. Sure, there were some shaky notes, but she did have to go first. That first spot is a killer. The judges all liked it, although Simon Cowell thought Nicole had combined Stacy and Paula Abdul into one person. I guess it was supposed to be an insult, but if I were combined with Paula, it would be amazing, so I took it as a compliment. Regardless of Simon, Stacy was a great way to start the show.

Second on stage was the Jason Derulo-esque Marcus Canty. Marcus talked about how he didn’t want to mow lawns anymore and how he would break his legs performing to get where he needed to be. However, this week, Marcus did not dance, so I guess his legs may have been broken, which would be a real shame. I’ve come to love Marcus’ swanky moves. LA selected “I’m Goin’ Down” for Marcus from the 1977 movie, Carwash. First of all, I only know one song from that movie, which is the title track. Also, I didn’t know Mary J. Blige didn’t sing “I’m Goin’ Down” first. Hmm. (Insert NBC’s “The More You Know” music here.) I thought Marcus did an all right job with the song, though it was not up to par with Jazzlyn Little’s version when she sang it for her original audition. Also, Marcus was wearing a really distracting sparkly silver jacket, that he had trouble taking off halfway through the song. It was like he was busting out of a disco ball. Which is a move best left to the experienced, like Kathie Lee Gifford, or someone similarly festive. The judges couldn’t say enough great things about Marcus. I guess positive feedback is a good thing, but he wasn’t THAT great. Good? Yes. Great? No.

Up next was Simon’s first contestant of the night, 14-year-old Drew (Ryniewicz). One of these days I will just call her Drew, but I am not ready to drop the Ryniewicz yet. I just can’t bring myself to do it. In her introduction package, we learned there are only nine kids in Drew’s school class at home? What? Only nine? Where does she go to school? The Oklahoma panhandle? No? That’s just how many kids are in her grade? Insanity. Then Drew came out on stage wearing a disgusting dress and sang a version of Coldplay’s “Fix You,” which was apparently included on the You, Me And Dupree soundtrack. Having never seen that movie, I cannot vouch for the accuracy of this claim. However, I can vouch for the claim that Cyndi Lauper helped dress Drew in the dark. We later learned that Drew designed the dress herself, which made me feel moderately bad for calling it disgusting, but not bad enough to leave it out of the blog. But, enough of the dress. I absolutely LOVED Drew’s version of “Fix You.” I will openly admit I cried. Her voice was so tender during it, and it’s the second time in the past few weeks I’ve heard the song and cried. Perhaps I do have emotions after all, as evidenced by my crying not one, not two, but seven times during Tuesday night’s watching of Love Actually. Should I admit that? Probably not. But look! There is a softer side of Josh, after all. Don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to lose my reputation. Nicole and Paula loved Drew’s performance while LA told her she needed to start performing something different. I wanted to tell LA to shut up, but that would require yelling at the television, and I was too busy stopping my fountain of tears to yell. Final line on Drew? Ugly dress, AMAZING performance. Next!

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